Tired of Feeling Unseen? How to Speak Up for Your Needs (Without Guilt)
You’ve spent years being the reliable one. The one who shows up, who listens, who anticipates what others need before they even have to ask. And in many ways, that’s beautiful—it’s part of what makes you you. But somewhere along the way, you learned that asking for what you need felt… uncomfortable. Maybe even selfish. So, you became the person who gives and gives, hoping someone will notice what you need without you ever having to say it out loud.
But what if I told you that your needs aren’t a burden? That speaking them out loud isn’t selfish—but necessary? That being deeply connected in your relationships isn’t just about what you give, but about what you receive, too?
Today, we’ll explore why it’s so hard to ask for what you need and how to start doing it with confidence.
Why is it so hard to ask for what you want?
If asking for what you need feels hard, it’s not because something is wrong with you. It’s because, at some point in your life, you learned that being ‘low maintenance’ made things easier.
Maybe you grew up in a home where voicing your needs led to tension. Or you were praised for being ‘so easygoing,’ ‘so pleasing,’ and learned that keeping quiet made you more likable. Or maybe you asked for love in the past, only to be met with disappointment. And now, even thinking about asking makes you feel exposed, like you’re bracing for rejection before it even happens.
Whatever the reason, I want you to know this: You are not ‘too much.’ Your needs are not an inconvenience. And you deserve to be heard.
Many people who grew up in these types of conditions quickly learned that it’s far better for everyone to handle things alone and stay quiet. Now, as adults, I often hear clients talk about the fear of being seen as “needy” or “selfish” if they start to express or ask for the things they want. Often, they have become so detached from their own needs that they struggle to identify what they are, and they need first to learn how to tune into themselves and what they want.
The Cost of Staying Silent
The problem with learning to stay silent or dismiss your own needs before expressing them is that relationships can start to feel one-sided, and resentment can build up under the surface.
You might find yourself thinking, “Why am I always the one giving so much and never getting the same consideration back from others?” When this pattern becomes the norm across all of your relationships, it can start to feel like you are on a deserted island all alone.
While it can feel scary to speak up for your needs, if you aren’t regularly practicing the skill with the people you care about, disconnection happens. People don’t know what you want or need and, therefore, can’t meet you there.
Deep down, what’s often the culprit are feelings of low self-worth. Beliefs that became ingrained long ago that tell you you don’t deserve to ask for things, or perhaps that you don’t even deserve to have needs at all. But the problem quickly becomes self-reinforcing and can continue to play into the misbelief that your needs aren’t important, which prevents your self-worth from changing.
In order to start reframing those faulty beliefs, you need to start giving yourself new messages.
You are NOT ‘too much.’ Your needs matter.
The people who care about you WANT to know what makes you feel seen, valued, and loved.
However, simply telling yourself your needs matter won’t change everything overnight. In addition to giving yourself new messages, the most effective thing you can do also tends to feel like the riskiest. You have to start doing something different.
Let’s talk about some low-pressure ways to get started.
“In order to start reframing those faulty beliefs, you need to start giving yourself new messages.
You are NOT ‘too much.’ Your needs matter.”
How to Start Asking for What You Need (Without the Guilt)
Tip #1: Get Clear on What You Actually Want
Action Step: Take 5 minutes to write down 3 things you wish someone would do for you in a relationship (big or small).
Let’s briefly try it together.
Take a couple of deep breaths, breathing all the way down into your belly. Now, bring to mind someone who deeply loves and values you—someone who wants to show up for you.
What’s one thing they could do that would make you feel cared for? Maybe it’s something as small as a check-in text when they know you’ve had a hard day. Or maybe it’s something bigger, like words of reassurance when you start doubting yourself.
Whatever it is, hold onto it. That’s not too much. That’s not selfish. That’s a need. And it deserves to be spoken out loud.
Tip #2: Reframe Your Request as an Invitation, Not a Demand
Example: Instead of “You never support me,” try, “I feel most supported when you check in on me during stressful weeks. Can we make that a habit?”
Using “I-statements” when making a request helps set up how you feel and what you need in a way that keeps the focus on you, the speaker, rather than placing a sense of responsibility or demand on someone else to fix something for you.
Remember, people who love you will want to support you and see you get your needs met—but they may not always know how. When you can be clear and direct by making a request, you increase your chances that they will be met rather than waiting for someone to guess or mind-read for you.
Tip #3: Start Small & Practice
The more you express your needs, the easier it gets. Start with low-stakes situations:
“Hey, I’d love for us to have a no-phones dinner tonight.”
“Can you hug me when I get home? It makes me feel really connected.”
Focusing on what feels low-stakes and easiest for you to start with is a great way to break the internal barrier you might have towards trying this new way of showing up. If your request is met positively by the other person, you help yourself one step further by slowing down enough to really take in what it feels like to have the need be met. Tune in to how your body feels when you get a positive response. Do your shoulders drop a little or your breath become less shallow? This embodiment practice helps anchor the experience and helps it feel easier to try again or go for something more difficult in the future.
Final Takeaways
For so long, you’ve been the person who gives—who listens, supports, and understands. But you deserve that same care in return. Your needs are not too much. They are not a burden. They are a part of you, just as valid as anyone else’s.
Learning to ask for what you need isn’t about becoming ‘demanding’ or ‘difficult’—it’s about allowing yourself to be seen fully and completely. It’s about choosing connection over silent resentment, about trusting that the right people want to show up for you.
This is a practice. A gentle, step-by-step unraveling of old patterns that told you it was safer to stay quiet. But you don’t have to keep shrinking yourself. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to ask. And you are absolutely, unquestionably, worthy of receiving.
