Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: How to Reclaim Your Voice and Honor Your Authentic Self
OR…
Things I want to say to you about breaking old patterns
The feeling of having to say yes when you want to say no.
The experience of feeling forced into small talk when you really want to be quiet on your own.
The automatic scarcity thought that says there isn’t enough for you, so you either have to take what you can get or you’re never going to get what you want.
The fear that if you don’t do this thing being asked of you by someone they won’t like you, won’t want to be friends with you, will be upset with you, so you begrudgingly do it anyway telling yourself it’s in the name of connection and maintaining relationships.
What kind of relationship is that anyway? Certainly not one that honors your authentic self and your feelings.
We make fear based decisions for any number of reasons, many of which happen unconsciously and automatically, not even realizing what’s happening until the decision is made or the thing is done and you feel terrible on the other side.
“Hey wait, this isn’t what I really wanted!” Your inner self starts to cry out to the void.
But the moment is over and now you’re left feeling guilty that you went along with something when you didn’t want to. Or you’re exhausted from forcing yourself to show up in a way that was not true to who you are. Wondering how this happened again and will you ever be able to break the pattern.
Because the thing is, you recognize it as a pattern and in moments of clarity you can see how harmful it is.
But in the moment it’s like another version of you has taken over.
One that shuts down the rational part of your brain and instead feels the need to please others, to go along with an unspoken rule that someone else has set.
It’s a desperate energy that feels out of your control. Something you wish you could fight against, yet can’t.
You know that awareness is the first step towards change, and you are aware of this pattern, which is great because it’s hard to change something you aren’t even aware of.
But awareness alone is often not enough for change. My god if awareness alone were enough you might be a completely different person.
How many times have you watched yourself engage in the same destructive pattern over and over and over again, aware you were doing it but helpless to stop?
Or you find yourself hours later mentally slapping your palm to your forehead with a Homer Simpson “Doh!” careening through your mind. “I did it again! Dammit.”
This is what happens when old parts of ourselves take over.
Old, ingrained, well worn-in grooves in the psyche, brain, and body that often take more than just a fighting willpower or dogged determination to stop.
This part won’t just go away through sheer force. You can’t force your fear into submission. At least not long term.
Instead of trying to will away the part of you that makes decisions based on fear or scarcity, you have to start by getting to know it better. Not simply becoming aware of it, but becoming friends with it.
Try to understand where this part comes from and why it is there in the first place.
What is the origin story of this part?
What conditions helped train this part of you that says it has to act for someone else’s benefit over your own, or out of the fear that there won’t be enough?
Perhaps this fear was born close to home, in a family system that prioritized one person's emotional state and needs over the emotional state or needs of others. (If that’s the case, I’m sorry.)
Perhaps this fear was born out of a family system that indirectly taught you that your feelings, thoughts, or ideas were not important, were less important than someone else’s. That there was no room for them. That no one had time for them. (If that’s true, I am so, so sorry.)
Perhaps this fear was born from growing up in an environment where there really wasn’t enough to go around. Maybe there wasn’t enough money to go around, or enough time to go around, or enough emotional capacity or skill to go around. (I’m sorry.)
Maybe in the “not enough” there was actually too much of something else.
Too much stress and overwhelm. Too much chronic health conditions. Too much mental health conditions. Too much alcohol or drug use. Too much work. Too much emotional dysregulation.
And so you learned.
You learned to quiet your inner world. To stifle your own feelings. To stop sharing your thoughts or opinions.
You learned to stop listening to yourself. You learned that no one else had the time or space or bandwidth to listen to you, to be there for you, to hold space for you, so you stopped speaking up, stopped holding space for yourself.
You learned to say yes to others when you wanted to say no.
You learned not to have feelings because someone else needed you to tend to theirs.
You learned that there really wasn’t enough of some things, so you better say yes to whatever you can that does come your way, even if it’s not what you need or want.
You learned to smile and say “okay” while swallowing how you really felt inside.
You learned that it’s easier to just do for others, to just do period, rather than letting yourself just be.
You learned to believe that it’s not okay to simply be yourself.
You learned to believe that perhaps there is something wrong with you.
You learned to believe that maybe you are the problem, not them.
And now, now you are starting to wake up!
Waking up to the utter bullshit and falsehood that you learned to believe so long ago. That a part of you still holds onto to this day, even though your logical mind can say “that’s total crap!”
Now you can see the pattern and know it needs to change, yet still feel helpless in the face of it.
You know that you want to break this cycle of automatic responses. Break this fear response from taking over. Break the pattern of saying yes when you want to say no.
You want to be able to choose something for your own benefit. To choose on your own behalf. To choose with intention and purpose. To choose how to respond rather than react.
You want to be able to slow down and pause. To have a moment to take a breath and decide “what do I really want to do in this moment?”
You want to feel like you are in the driver’s seat, not this fear response.
Well dear one, you can.
But this is where you’re really going to hate me.
Because now I have to tell you that I can’t give you those answers and the “how to” list in a blog.
Okay, that’s not completely true. I could tell you.
I could write out the way, and you could read it, and you might think “oh okay, I can do that on my own now.” But you probably won’t.
I know because that was me too.
Here’s the thing dear one.
Your amazing, intellectual, analytical, logical, problem solving, strong thinking brain will want to learn as much as it can about the answers in language and words and concept form.
It will want to know the way and hear the steps, and it will believe it can walk itself through the doors to the other side with a simple flow chart.
But this is not simply a thinking process. It’s a feeling one.
Your fear response is not always a logical, thoughtful one. And the way out isn’t either.
But what I can do for you is walk with you all the way.
I can hold your hand, or guide you by the arm, or walk at your side as you take each step (over and over) to retrain that old, ingrained, well worn-in groove in your psyche, brain, and body.
And you don’t need to know the whole way (even though a part of you really wants to).
You just need to be ready to take the next step. And the next. And the next as they come.
And when you’re ready, I’ll be here. With an outstretched hand, a knowing smile, a patient presence, and a plan.
