What Is Your Inner Critic? Plus 3 Tips To Help You Deal With It.
You’re halfway through working on a project for work that’s due at the end of the week. And somewhere in the back of your head there’s a voice telling you “This isn’t good enough, you suck. You better work harder to get this right or your boss isn’t going to be happy.”
Or you’re mentally replaying a fight you had with your spouse the night before, going over every exchange and picking apart how you responded. Maybe a part of you knows that how you reacted was immature and possibly even a little mean, and now you’re beating yourself up for it feeling like a total jerk.
The inner critic can pop up in any scenario and any moment. It’s like an automatic email response that pings in your inbox when someone who you’ve tried to check in with is out of the office: “Hi, sorry I’ve missed you. My better sense is away from my desk at the moment, but in the meantime here’s my rude assistant to tell you what a horrible job you’re doing. I’ll get back to you in a week when I’m back online.”
But in this case the person you’re trying to check-in with is yourself and the rude assistant, your inner critic.
Or as they say in the movies… the call is coming from inside the house.
Maybe you’ve asked yourself:
What exactly is the inner critic and does everyone have one? Or why do we have an inner critic in the first place?
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering about that pesky little voice in your head and what to do about it, this blog is for you.
What is your inner critic and where does it come from?
The inner critic is the voice inside your head that seems to do nothing but criticize you for anything and everything. It’s that nagging commentary that tells you you’re either doing something wrong, saying the wrong thing, or are probably going to fail.
The inner critic is like an amalgamation of all the critical voices or sentiments you’ve heard over the course of your life and are now internalized to become your own mental dialogue. And like a drill sergeant pushing you harder and harder, the inner critic doesn’t seem to know when to quit.
However, besides doing a good job at tearing you down, the inner critic is actually a part of you that is acting like a protector. Attempting to keep you safe and connected in a relationship. It just has a very backwards and mean spirited way of doing so.
What?! Attempting to keep you safe and connected in a relationship? By being a jerk!
How is that possible you ask? Let’s get into it.
Where does the inner critic come from?
In a way, you can think of the inner critic as someone trying to get a leg up on anyone else who might be mean, critical, or dismissive of you so that you don’t have to feel the sting and pain of rejection in that relationship.
Say for example someone compliments the way you look and your automatic thought is to dismiss this. You might think, or even say out loud, how terrible you look and hate what’s happening with your hair.
While this might really be how you feel, chances are it’s not an objective truth but a sign your inner critic has popped up.
In some cases it’s possible that the inner critic is the voice of one person in particular whose words have been drilled into your subconscious over time and are now repeating automatically, most likely a parent or family member. That doesn’t necessarily mean that person was critical of you specifically, though it certainly can mean that.
Oftentimes the inner critic can be the internalized voice of someone who was highly critical of people or things more generally. Or perhaps they were critical of themselves or their life circumstances.
For example…
Did you have an overly critical parent who was constantly putting themselves (or you or a sibling) down, critiquing situations, or judging others?
Was one of your siblings always making jokes at your expense or picking on you? As siblings can sometimes innocently do.
When a child experiences these behaviors regularly they will (naively and incorrectly) assume this is a normal or appropriate way of speaking.
In the case of the self-critical parent this can cause you as a child to question whether or not they feel that way about you but aren’t saying so. Or their constant self criticism (or direct criticism) can become a mirror for how you believe you should see yourself. After all, we repeat what we see and hear the most.
If a sibling was the one doing the picking on, and no one properly intervened and came to your aid you might start to believe you deserve to be treated poorly and again start repeating the behavior directed towards yourself.
Alternatively, you may have had a more dismissive or emotionally rejecting parent growing up. In which case you likely lived in a state of constantly craving their attention, validation, or recognition and never fully getting it. You then unconsciously assumed it must mean there’s something wrong with you and started telling yourself you better shape up or work harder.
When your child brain decides you must be the problem, as opposed to the rejecting parent, it gives you something you can feel some control over while also protecting the relationship with someone who at the time you depended on for emotional and physical care.
And thus the inner critic is born.
Does everyone have an inner critic?
As far as I know there haven’t been any in depth studies on the prevalence of the inner critic among the general population, however if they do exist I’d love to read them. So it’s hard to really answer this question as to whether or not everyone has one.
However, if we take a moment to zoom out and look at both the larger landscape of parenting styles across the last few generations (i.e. neglectful, dismissive, authoritarian) and the overall rising mental health epidemic it seems fair to consider that this is a larger problem than people may recognize or admit.
Chances are pretty high that you know at least 1 or 2 people who also struggle with their own inner critic but aren’t talking about it. If you do notice a friend, partner, or colleague being extra harsh with themselves, tell them what you’ve learned about the inner critic and share one of the tips listed below.
Practicing more kindness and compassion for others when their inner critic part is activated is a helpful reminder for everyone that we’re all human and just trying our best to get by. A little compassion goes a long way in both calming your inner critic and perhaps someone else’s as well.
How to deal with your inner critic.
When it comes to dealing with your inner critic there are a few ways that can help transform that part and your relationship with it. Here are three strategies you can try out today.
Keep in mind this is a younger part of you acting out
By reminding yourself that the inner critic is really coming from a younger version of yourself helps put things in perspective. It can also help you start to soften in response to it. When you relate to this voice as a younger part of yourself keep in mind how you would talk to a child who was upset. You wouldn’t yell at them or tell them to shut up. You would want to find out what it is that’s upsetting them and try to help them relate to their feelings in a healthy way. So when you notice your inner critic start to pop up try imagining having a conversation with a child version of yourself and ask “What are you feeling right now? What’s going on?” and listen to see if you get a response. Often the inner critic is actually acting up in order to avoid feeling scared, worried, or angry about something.
Practice Self-Compassion
Now that you can start relating the inner critic as a part of yourself and asking questions to see how you really feel, you can start to then practice giving some compassion towards yourself. How would you talk to a friend who was feeling upset about something? Would you let them know it’s okay to feel upset and validate what they’re feeling? Or maybe you would try to soothe their feelings in some other way. See if you can extend that same compassionate feeling to this part of you.
Try Thanking It
This might seem counterintuitive at first, but when you notice the inner critic creeping up, remind yourself that this part is simply trying its best to protect you in some way. So go ahead and thank it for trying to keep you safe. Validate what effort it has gone to on your behalf, and then ask if it can step aside for now. Let it know that you appreciate it for showing up but you don’t need that part right now. Then see if that part starts to relax or if something else comes up.
Healing your inner critic.
Each of these strategies is grounded in you having a more loving and compassionate relationship with this part of yourself, while also getting curious about what’s really going on that caused it to pop up anyway. Notice how none of these tips involved further shaming yourself or getting angry about or at the inner critic. If the inner critic was developed in the first place in response to feeling bad in some way, further shaming yourself only feeds that unhealthy mechanism which can help it grow. Instead, you want to do the opposite.
In doing so, you are naturally starting to nurture a different and healthier relationship with yourself. One that is kinder, more patient, understanding, and which ultimately can help you heal and transform the inner critic for good.
