Why Slowing Down Sometimes Feels Scary; And What To Do About It.
You probably hear the advice all the time:
"You should slow down and take it easy."
or
“You’re doing too much; why not take a break and relax?”
or if you happen to be one of my clients:
“Can we slow down with that for a minute?”
“Yeah, totally.” You nod in response and then quickly get back to the task or topic at hand.
It sounds great in theory, and you can logically get on board with the idea. But, the reality is your idea of slowing down is usually a cold that knocks you out for a week. Or, it's watching a show at night while scrolling on your phone.
I hate to say it, but I don’t think that’s what all the “experts” mean when they say to take things at a slower pace, give yourself space to “do nothing”, or to slow down in order to feel something.
In the fast-paced, always rushed, always “on” society we live in these days, the idea of slowing down can sometimes feel like torture for some people.
Why does slowing down feel so scary or hard to imagine doing?
Often, when I meet with clients there are two common reasons they might be struggling with giving themselves a break and slowing down. They may…
Have a neurodevelopmental condition, like ADHD, that keeps them running on overdrive and struggle with self-regulation.
For conditions like ADHD, some people feel like their body or mind is in constant motion. Others may swing between always being on the go and crashing.
In many cases, people with ADHD can enter a state of hyper-focus or deep work. This state is more like a flow state. This flow state, or hyper-focus, can actually be quite enjoyable and productive, even if it is “all consuming”. Slowing down would break the flow, and it could make it hard to get back.
But there are times where hyper-focus can block other important tasks. Like pausing to take a bathroom break, get a drink, or start another project that needs doing.
For many, the act of slowing down can feel unnatural and dysregulating to their physical or mental state, as well as to their flow state and creativity. Thus, propelling them to either not stop or start looking for the next dopamine hit or unfinished project as soon as one ends.
Have one or more mental or emotional struggles causing them to stay on the move to avoid feeling something deeper.
This includes anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. It also includes dissociation, trauma, or emotional avoidance, to name a few.
With something like anxiety or trauma, your brain and body want to stay one step ahead of any potential perceived threats. On the surface, this might look like working overtime to avoid the possibility of your boss yelling at you for not having your work up to par. Underneath, your system has learned to interpret criticism, judgment, or rejection as a serious threat to survival. So, it kicks into overdrive to keep you safe.
Another way this shows up is if you’ve learned that certain emotions or the expression of certain emotions is not tolerated by others. To maintain the relationship, you must stuff down, minimize, or compartmentalize your feelings. This can show up in both a family dynamic or romantic relationship. It may involve an "emotionally immature parent" (a term coined by psychologist Lindsay Gibson). Or, it may involve a caregiver, sibling, or partner with their own mental health challenges.
In any of these scenarios, emotional shutdown or constant busyness has become the default. They are an attempt to bypass discomfort. Slowing down is often when those pesky emotions can start rising their way up to the surface again. So, the mere thought or attempt at slowing down is enough to set your system on high alert, triggering the alarm bells to abort. If you haven’t learned the skills to properly navigate these emotions, it can start to feel too overwhelming or unbearable to be with.
So, what can you do about it?
Here are five steps to consider and practice to help you slow down.
The first thing to do is give yourself a little grace and self-compassion.
Too often people fall into their own patterns of self-judgment and criticism around behaviors that developed naturally as a way to protect themselves. Instead, be a friend to yourself. Acknowledge that you didn’t choose this way of being. Even if you did, it was for a good reason!
Then, start to become aware of your own patterns.
See if you can start to notice when you’re doing too much or moving too fast from one thing to the next. Then try to investigate what’s happening in the moment. Ask yourself: "Is there a real threat or deadline I must respond to? Or is this something my brain is telling me that someone else might respond to differently?"
Next, ease your way in with mindful practice.
Once you start to notice your pattern of moving on too quickly or not wanting to slow down for certain emotions, see if you can start to practice letting yourself pause for five seconds first. This is a somatic practice called titration. You're letting your system slowly get used to something.
Work on building grounding skills first.
Another way to practice slowing down is to make room to be with discomfort or unpleasant emotions by practicing an embodiment tool. For example, building up your skills of grounding into your body. You can try this free guided meditation as a way to start practicing slowing down, tuning in, and grounding into support.
Last, consider reaching out to a somatic therapist.
Finding someone who can help guide you through the process and teach you how to build the skills of learning to be with yourself in new ways is incredibly helpful. Having someone else work with you also helps take some of the pressure off to figure it all out on your own and can keep you accountable when you’d rather go back to your default way of being.
Slowing down might seem scary or difficult to do at first. But, over time, if you can let yourself ease into it, you can actually find an incredible amount of ease, flow, and more gentleness with yourself and others.
