Why Self-Esteem is Important and Five Ways to Start Building Yours Today
Do you look at yourself in the mirror or pictures and instantly zero in on your flaws? Not in the way where you flippantly say to yourself, "Ugh, I hate my flabby arms," and move on. But instead, you keep looking for more flaws, like you’ve got a magnifying glass held up to inspect every inch of yourself.
Maybe anytime someone asks you for something, you automatically say yes. Perhaps begrudgingly, because what you really want to say is no. Soon you find yourself with more work than you can handle. And you are too busy tending to other people's requests, leaving no time for yourself.
If so, it’s possible that your self-esteem could use a little boost.
Most people know the concept of self-esteem.
But, they may not fully understand all the ways it can impact your life and mood. Or understand that it’s possible to change your self-esteem if it’s not in a place you want it to be.
So, let’s get into it.
What does self-esteem really mean, and why is it important?
Self-esteem is the way you value yourself and your feelings of worth. Often synonymous with self-respect, self-worth, and self-confidence (though not exactly the same thing), your self-esteem is a key factor in determining how you think about yourself, show up in the world, make decisions, and relate to others.
Like many things in life, self-esteem is experienced on a spectrum that ranges from low to high.
Individuals with low self-esteem tend to undervalue themselves and experience increased mental health issues. While individuals with overly high self-esteem might overvalue themselves and feel a false sense of entitlement.
Being able to strike a balance and having a healthy or middle-level of self-esteem sets you up for a range of positive outcomes in life. We’ll get into those in a moment. But first, let’s look at some signs your self-esteem could use improving by identifying what low self-esteem looks like.
What are signs of low self-esteem?
Individuals with lower self-esteem usually have a negative outlook on themselves, and sometimes that carries over to their view of the world.
This can show up in a variety of ways, including:
Feeling like your thoughts, feelings, and needs don’t matter
Not speaking up for yourself and your needs
People-pleasing or putting others' needs before your own
Tolerating bad behavior in relationships, for example being taken advantage of or putting up with abusive behavior
Feeling insecure about yourself, your abilities, or your appearance
Not taking risks or putting yourself out there because you think you'll fail
Being highly critical of yourself and beating yourself up for any mistake or failure
Believing that luck contributes to any success and not being able to take credit for your achievements
Blaming yourself for any problems, rather than recognizing and holding others responsible for their part
Always deflecting compliments
If you notice signs of yourself in this list, know that you can improve your self-esteem!
Raising your self-esteem can have a ripple effect on your life.
How raising self-esteem can impact your life for the better
When you have good levels of self-esteem, you’re more inclined to have better mental health, stronger relationships, and a greater sense of self.
Since self-esteem reflects your sense of identity, when that feels securely intact, you are more sure of yourself. You know who you are, what you like and dislike, what your needs are, and how you want others to treat you.
By raising your self-esteem, you are not only saying to yourself but also to others, “I matter”.
With healthy self-esteem, you are comfortable speaking up for your needs. Which means you are more likely to get them met. You’re also better equipped to handle setbacks when they happen and tend to avoid falling into a negative spiral about a problem or mistake.
People with higher self-esteem are also able to let things roll off their backs with greater ease. They acknowledge that issues and mistakes are a natural part of life and look for ways to move forward rather than staying stuck in a problem.
So, how can you go about raising your self-esteem if it’s not where you want it to be? Here are some ways to get you started.
Five Ways to Build Better Self-Esteem
Watch Your Self-Talk: Be Your Own Friend
People with good self-esteem talk to themselves in a very distinct way from those with low self-esteem. Rather than being highly self-critical or beating themselves up, people with high self-esteem genuinely like themselves and this shows up in their self-talk. This is reflected by speaking to themselves with kindness, care, respect, and sometimes even gentle but tough love. Their self-talk is also focused on what went right or what they like about themselves.
For example: “I like how I show up for my friends when they say they need help with something” or “I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there in a new way, that was really brave."
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion can be broken down into three core elements as outlined by Self-Compassion researcher Dr. Kristen Neff. These core elements are: Self-Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness. Practicing self-compassion means being able to give yourself grace and kindness even when you are hurting, feel inadequate, or make a mistake. Common humanity acknowledges that all people suffer in some way and you are no different. Having difficulties is a part of being human and that’s okay. Mindfulness brings your attention to accepting what is without needing to change it or over-identify with it.
For example: You may not like something about your appearance or body. By practicing self-compassion, you can choose to be kind and gentle with yourself while acknowledging that most people have things about themselves they don’t like, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you have to change everything about yourself. It’s still possible to like yourself as a whole even if there are smaller parts that you don’t love as much. We all have flaws.
Focus On Building Skills Over Outcomes
One way to improve your self-esteem and view of yourself is by being able to watch yourself grow and change. Learning a new skill, practicing a new habit, or building a new routine are all ways to focus on building up who you are on the inside and learning to overcome the challenge of starting something new. Skill building taps into internal motivation (aka- an internal locus of control), rather than focusing on an external locus of control or outcome by trying to meet external benchmarks of success or doing things for someone’s praise.
People with good self-esteem like to challenge themselves in new ways, as that helps build overall competence. And on the flip side, they are quick to practice self-compassion if they struggle or are unable to learn a new skill.
Be Your Own Hype Person
Similar to the first three suggestions listed, being your own hype person can help boost your self-esteem by being on your own side. It also can tap into your sense of resilience and agency. You can practice this by saying things to yourself like: "I've got this," or “Keep going, you’re almost there." One of my closest friends has a 2-year old who’s been doing this lately by self-coaching and saying “I can do it” on repeat as he goes around picking up toys or climbing at the park.
Bonus practice: As you start seeing yourself doing difficult things and building new skills, take a moment to give yourself credit for your effort and give yourself a mental or literal pat on the back.
Practice Setting Boundaries
Being able to say “no”, walking away from an unhealthy situation or relationship, and speaking up for your needs are all great ways to practice setting boundaries. Individuals with higher self-esteem feel comfortable doing these things regularly and consider this an important form of self-care. When you’re able to set boundaries, you are acting in service of yourself and on your own behalf, something no one else is likely to do for you. While setting boundaries in relationships can feel scary at first, keep in mind that healthy relationships and people who care about you actually want to do things for you and are often willing to make changes. If you find someone repeatedly not respecting your boundaries, you may need to reconsider that relationship—not reconsider your boundaries.
While having low self-esteem is often linked to many other mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, or substance use, it does not mean you are doomed to feeling like a failure forever.
There are many ways to start building your self-esteem and learn how to love, accept, and respect yourself for all your unique parts, traits, and qualities. Pick one area to focus on for a while and see how it goes. Pay attention to how you feel and what changes, and make adjustments as needed. You can do this, I believe in you!
