Embracing Your Imperfect, Authentic Self Is The Key To Gaining More Love
“Love, by definition, happens when it’s safe to fall short in the presence of another.”
I read this quote the other day and it stopped me in my tracks.
What comes to mind for you when you think of what it means to love?
I tend to think of the idea of unconditional love, which means loving someone or being loved by someone despite any faults or flaws we have. It’s being able to accept someone for who they are and wanting to feel that same acceptance. That’s what this quote is referring to after all.
Yet, what stood out to me about this quote and why it gave me pause is that the focus is on how willing are you to show up as your authentic self in relationships in order to receive love. Which is something I don’t often see people actively thinking or talking about when it comes to building relationships.
Yes, we all want to feel unconditional love and acceptance, but in order to receive that you have to first show up as your messy, imperfect, and authentic self.
You have to be willing to show your faults and flaws to another.
You have to be willing to let someone see all the parts of you: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
In essence, you have to be willing to fall short. And love is built when it’s safe to do that without fear of judgment, ridicule, or rejection.
Yet for many, the idea of showing your imperfections can feel like a surefire path to rejection or criticism; something that must be avoided at all costs.
But what if, as this quote suggests, embracing your imperfections and letting them be seen is actually the key to getting more love, not less?
In order to fully suss this out, let’s first look at the flip side of the coin.
“There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”
~ Steve Maraboli
Is Perfectionism Contributing To Your Loneliness?
I often see clients in my virtual office who tell me they are exhausted, lonely, and sick of working so hard in the various parts of their life.
As I begin to ask more questions to try and understand what’s going on in their lives they inevitably start to tell me about the long hours they’re spending trying to get work done. Or they’ll go on to list all the social activities and favors they are doing for other people. Or they talk about how much they’re feeling stressed or upset with their partner.
When I ask if they’ve considered setting boundaries around work or social activities, saying no to requests from others, or bringing up their hurt feelings with a partner they usually will sheepishly look away and say no. That or launch into all the various reasons why they simply “can’t do that”.
I’ve also noticed that people don’t always tend to think of themselves in terms of perfectionism, perfectionist, or trying to be perfect.
And yet when we start to get into all the ways they are either overworking themselves or hiding their true feelings it starts to look a little more like they may in fact be suffering from the same feelings of inadequacy that are at the heart of perfectionism.
The reality is, how people feel internally is often so far from perfect that it never crosses their mind that they could in fact be acting in ways that feed right into perfectionism.
This is similar to the idea of an incongruous self. How you feel inside doesn’t match the ideal version you hope to be on the outside, or how you are attempting to appear on the outside.
What about you? Would you identify with being described as a perfectionist?
Is it possible you have more traits of perfectionism than you realize?
Let’s find out…
Quiz Time!
How many of the following statements (or some version thereof) have you thought or done at some point?
If I don’t get feedback from my boss that my work was done exceptionally or get a lot of positive feedback then I assume it must have been terrible or they’re just being nice. (All-or-Nothing Thinking)
When reviewing your own work or what you said in a conversation all you notice are the things you did or said wrong. (Highly Self Critical)
I always end up saying yes to requests from my friends/family/partner/boss even if it’s not something I want to do, because if I don’t they’ll be mad at me, or worse, they might leave me. (Driven by Fears of Worst Case Scenario)
You’re planning an event (birthday, baby shower, wedding, night out with friends, etc.) and stress over every little detail trying to make sure everything is “just right” and that everyone will be happy with the outcome. (Unrealistically High Standards)
The minute you hit one goal or complete a major project you’re almost immediately thinking about the next thing you have to get done or are working towards. (Focusing Only on Results)
When you do make a mistake or things don’t turn out how you wanted them to you obsess over what went wrong and can’t let it go, or you let one problem overshadow any of the positive thing that happened. (Feeling Depressed by Unmet Goals)
You often say or think that any mistake you make is a failure, or you feel like a failure if you don’t get everything right. (Fear of Failure)
You put off completing a project, task, chore, or assignment till the very last minute, subconsciously knowing how much effort/time it will take to “do it right.” (Procrastination)
So, how’d you do?
If you saw yourself in even a few of those statements listed above there’s a good chance you have some elements of perfectionism playing out in your life. And I’ll bet that it doesn’t feel good when you start to think about the ways this shows up in your daily life.
There is a better way!
What is the cost of attempting to be perfect?
For most people trying to keep up as some version of “perfect”, the biggest cost is often to their energy and the way they feel about themselves. You might find that you’re so exhausted from trying to do so much that you don’t have time to take care of your own needs, like going to the gym or taking a break to read a book.
I often see people who feel so tightly wound in trying to do everything right that when they do have a moment to slow down and just be themselves in session they either feel flooded with emotion and tears or are fighting them back because they’ve internalized that tears/emotions aren’t okay.
These same people talk about feeling incredibly lonely and disconnected from others. Or they feel like they have no sense of purpose or meaning in life anymore; like they’re just spinning in circles trying to keep all the plates up, or moving from one big project to the next.
The real cost I see if someone has spent most of their life trying to be perfect is a sense of self-abandonment, inauthentic relationships, and anxiety or depression. And underneath the anxiety or depression is usually a deep sense of “badness” or shame.
It breaks my heart everytime. Especially when it’s so clear to me that the person sitting across from me has so much to offer the world and the people in their lives if they could just give themselves a break. They are always the most engaging and relatable when they can relax and be themselves.
This is good news!
Being your authentic self is always what attracts people the most.
“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
~ Maya Angelou
Embrace Your Imperfections:
Gain True Acceptance & Love
While you may feel concerned that showing up in relationships as your messy, imperfect, but authentic self is going to push people away, I’m here to tell you that you’re both wrong and, plot twist, also right.
Here’s the deal.
When you show up as your full self, imperfections and all, there will be people who want to distance themselves from you and who may not like you, it’s true. That’s actually a good thing! You don’t need to be, nor should you want to be everyone’s cup of tea. Besides, I’m sure you don’t love or automatically accept every single person you meet in the world, right?
You have to be willing to tolerate that not everyone will like you and be open to moments when you fall short. You are human after all, and humans make mistakes and don’t get things right all the time.
The thing is, you don’t need everyone to like you, you just need the right people to. The ones who are your people.
What does that mean?
It means that when you show up as your imperfect and authentic self you will attract the people who love you for you at your core. You will attract the people who accept the things about you that you may struggle with, but they see as no big deal. You will attract the people who accept, respect, and value your humanity. People who will appreciate your messiness, your moments of falling short, and your ability to keep going and be honest about that.
It’s our humanness that appeals to others, because it lets people know that it’s okay for them to be human and make mistakes too. And if you’re someone who tends to lean into the perfectionism camp, you could certainly stand to give yourself and get a break from trying so hard to get it all right all the time.
How do I get started?
If this resonates and sounds like you or something you struggle with then I want to challenge you to try taking one action step in the next week. See if you can pick one area in your life where you either struggle with perfectionism or with hiding your imperfect, authentic self and do one thing that is opposite from what you would normally do.
So, if you tend to focus on all-or-nothing thinking, see if you can look for the gray areas.
If you procrastinate because you want to get everything right, give yourself a break and try doing B or even C level work.
If you tend to focus only on the results, see if you can try finding things you enjoy about the process and take time to savor those elements.
If you are someone who hides when you’re struggling or holds back your true feelings from others, see what it feels like to share something more vulnerable with a trusted other.
You might be surprised to find that the worst case scenario doesn’t happen, and in fact, it might be the complete opposite and actually draw people in closer.
